


honesty was never your strong suit

by calmbeforethestorm



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Break Up and Post Break Up, Lots Of Sad, M/M, all the good stuff in life, also alcohol abuse, which isn't that good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-24
Updated: 2014-09-24
Packaged: 2018-02-18 15:52:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2353994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calmbeforethestorm/pseuds/calmbeforethestorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You don’t know about real loss, ‘cause that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself... I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much.”</p><p>-Good Will Hunting</p>
            </blockquote>





	honesty was never your strong suit

**Author's Note:**

> Listening to Everything Falls Apart (Slow Magic Remix) by The One AM Radio really inspired me on this one.

Gavin dials, knowing full well that Ray’s awake. 

He never goes to bed until the sun comes up, just like Gavin, but spends his time in front of a television screen rather than a bar table. There were more times than the Brit can count that he had come back to their shared apartment (when they had had an apartment, now it was Ray’s and Gavin was staying with the Ramsey’s again) to find the younger man passed out on the sofa, controller still in his hands. It was in this opportunity Gavin would always curl up on top of him, press his face into his neck, and take in Ray's smell. It had never been one that could be described, but it was safe. It was home.

**Calling... Ray Narvaez Jr.**

He needs that home now.

**Ring.**

**Ring.**

**Ring.**

It goes to voicemail.

Hey this is Ray, leave me a message or something.

His mind goes blank when he tries to come up with something to say. Nothing sounds good, so instead of allowing himself to babble and make things even worse, Gavin hangs up.

**Call ended.**

The phone is tossed lightly onto the bar top, as Gavin slumps over and places his head in his arms. Everything’s fuzzy, he feels light headed and there’s an aching in his chest, though he doesn’t know why. It's a pain that he's never felt before. 

His hand reaches around for his glass, ice already melted. He can’t remember how many drinks he’s had at this point. Maybe six, seven tops? The bartender looks like he’s about to kick him out and the guy probably should, considering Gavin is seeing three of him and the room’s spinning.

It’s been a week. A whole week of waking up alone, of hearing his co-workers whisper about his break-up, and of receiving a grand total of 20 words from Ray (and yes, he counted).

If he could cry, he would. He wants to cry, wants to let go of this weird fucking pain in his chest. He’s fucked up and lost probably the most important person in the world to him, any normal person would have broken down by now.

But just like love, tears seem to be something he’s not very good at.

Instead, he pays for his drink and stumbles out the door, deciding to call Michael for a ride.

\--

They’re walking down 6th Street, just finished with dinner and waiting for a taxi, when Ray says it. Gavin had had his arms draped over Ray’s shoulders, smiling before leaning in for a kiss, but then stops. His body freezes up and suddenly it’s like he can’t breathe.

“I love you.”

Those three words terrify Gavin. 

He knew it had been coming, and yet the shock was still there.

In every one of the relationships he’d been in, the phrase had never been uttered on his part, for it had never been worth the fear. It’s too much to carry and brings with it the threat of death, like a cement block being tied around his ankle before being thrown into the water. There are too many variables, too many things that could go wrong, and too many ‘what ifs’. 

The biggest, however, had always been “What if they leave?”

Why it scares him so much? He doesn’t know. He’d always play up being so confident, especially when it came to dating, but in reality Gavin was just as nervous as any other. Sharing a bed with a person, easy. Sharing a life; one where your decisions didn’t just affect you but another, that was the hardest pill to swallow and he didn’t have enough water to try.

The irony of the situation was that it was probably his lack of those three little words that had brought an early end to his relationships.

But with Ray, it’s different.

He wants to say it back. They’ve been together for six months now, and Gavin’s never been as happy with anyone else than with him. From the moment he hits the pillow to the second he wakes up, his thoughts always drift to Ray. The Brit counts every smile that he’s lucky enough to see, because Ray’s smile is like seeing good incarnate. Gavin thinks about ways to make Ray laugh, attempts to learn all the achievements Ray needs to get and how to help him, and even stops going out as often to drink.

In short, Ray makes him want to be a better person. Gavin could love him, he... he’s pretty sure this is the closest to being in love he’s ever been. Maybe he does love Ray, but he can’t admit it.

The idea of love doesn't stop the fear from creeping in, telling him that he'll only get hurt. Gavin tries to push the thoughts away, but nothing seems to work.

If only Gavin didn’t have to always fuck everything up. 

When he doesn’t respond, Ray’s smile disappears and he takes a step back, confusion and hurt apparent on his face. “The normal response is “I love you too”, dickhead.” The younger man says jokingly, though his voice cracks towards the end and Gavin, knowing him so well, can tell Ray’s upset.

“I mean, do you love me?”

This time, Ray barely whispers it, his gaze stuck on Gavin, who can’t bring himself to look the man in the eye. He deserves so much better; he deserves the earth, the moon and the stars, and at the very least he deserves to be loved.

Gavin opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. When he receives no reply, Ray wipes furiously at his eyes with his sleeve, before nodding. “Okay then, I get the message. I’m... I’m going to stay over at Michael and Lindsay’s tonight. Until we can figure out... whatever.”

Ray starts to walk away, when Gavin suddenly can move again and grabs his arm. He’s immediately pushed away, and is met with one of the angriest glares ever. Which is saying something, given the number of times Gavin’s gotten on Michael’s nerves.

“Just leave me the fuck alone right now, okay Gavin?”

He’s left there gaping like a fish out of water as Ray hails a cab, getting in without even looking back once.

\--

There’s no discussion on them separating. It’s something Gavin goes ahead and does, because who in the hell would want to stay after being so let down? The moment he arrives home, he’s throwing his clothes and other personal items in a suitcase, because the last thing he’s going to do is break Ray’s heart and force him to move out.

He stands in the doorway, looking at the cramped space and remembers when they’d first moved in. It’d been barely a month, all of the Achievement Hunter crew offering to help them (mostly because Geoff told them to or they’d be fired, so that he “didn’t have to hear those idiots fucking anymore”).

After a few minutes of being lost in memory, Gavin sighs and turns to leave. Or he would, if something on the bookshelf beside the door hadn’t caught his attention. Amongst the stacks of video games and cheap knick knacks they’d quickly acquired, was a photo reel of Ray and himself. It was from their one month anniversary; Ray had taken him to a grungy ice skating rink, where he’d fallen on his ass multiple times, and afterwards had crammed into a photo booth together. For a moment, Gavin allows himself a smile until he realizes he’ll never have a moment like that with Ray again.

He takes the photo, carefully tucking it into his inner jacket. Gavin doubts Ray will notice it’s gone.

\--

It’s been a month.

Specifically, a month and five days, as Gavin keeps track mentally every single morning he rolls over in bed only to rediscover he’s alone.

The tension between Ray and himself hasn’t gone away, but when they’re filming, everything seems normal again. Jokes are cracked and the audience had no clue of what’s happened. Ray’s moved on apparently, and Gavin’s good at pretending he’s fine. His charming-as-ever smile and odd noises and words make it seem as though nothing’s changed (though if someone looks long and hard enough, they’ll see that smile dissolve the moment the Brit looks at Ray).

The second they stop recording however, his former lover doesn’t say a single word to him. And as much as Gavin hates not talking with Ray, he doesn’t challenge it. He deserves it, if he’s honest.

That doesn’t mean he isn’t falling apart inside. Gavin can’t remember the last time he ate (was it three days ago?) or if he’s supposed to be on the podcast later. He assumes not, since Geoff places a hand on his shoulder, saying it’s time to go home (when did it become 4:30?).

Car rides are quiet with Geoff now. Gavin can feel the older man’s eyes watching him in concern, the almost fatherly-like figure has always been able to see right through him, but he doesn’t push and Gavin’s thankful for that. 

He doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to think about it.

But he does.

It plagues him during dinner, the only thing his brain seems to be able to focus. No matter how much he tries to talk about his next plan for Slow Mo Guys, he always drifts back to Ray. 

After helping with the dishes he mumbles that he’s going to Michael and Lindsay’s as he walks out the front door, ignoring Geoff’s offer to drive him.

Because he’s not going there. He’s going to the only place that offers relief for his troubled mind. And Gavin doesn’t want to worry Geoff anymore than he already is.

In a past life, Gavin would have gone to a bar simply to get drunk and find hook-ups. It was a place of fun, freedom and forgetting the fact he’d have a massive hangover the next day. Those nights would be a complete blur, but he loved it. Now, when he was so wasted, the blur meant he'd be back to feeling like shit again soon. 

The bartender knows Gavin by name, a grim smile on his face as the young man approaches him. “The usual?” He asks, and the Brit nods, already taking out cash from his wallet until the other man’s hand pushes it back. “The first one’s on me tonight, since you’ve practically paid my rent for this month.”

Gavin laughs bitterly, shrugging as he takes the coke and whiskey mix, downing it in one long gulp. There’s no debating it; he’s spent at least a hundred bucks in the last few weeks on cheap liquor in the dingy bar.

It’s quiet tonight. Gavin remembers it’s a Monday and most people don’t go to work hungover. _I suppose I just don’t care anymore_ , He thinks, _I wonder when Geoff’s just gonna give up and fire me._

“So what’s the story?”

The bartender’s voice interrupts his thoughts and Gavin raises his brow in confusion.

“Anyone that comes to this shitty divebar every other night obviously has a reason for it. Whether it’s finances or relationships or whatever, there’s always something. What’s yours?” 

Normally, Gavin would have told the man to sod off and mind his own business. He hates it when people ask what happened between Ray and him. But tonight’s different. Maybe it’s the fact that this guy doesn’t know anything about him. And Gavin’s tired of pretending to be fine and needs to just show how fucked up he is for a night.

He clears his throat, “Can I have another one?” He states, rather than asks, and while the guy pours another, he decides to just say it. “Someone close to me, I uh, I pushed them away. They said they loved me and I just... I’m a fool.”

The other man hums, cleaning out a glass with a towel that Gavin’s pretty sure isn’t sanitary enough to be used. Gavin traces the top of his drink, watching as the glass sweats from the ice.

“So,” The bartender asks, “Do you love them?”

Biting his lip, Gavin sits in silence as the other waits for a response. He loved the way Ray would wake him up with neck nuzzles and demand that they stop at Taco Bell for breakfast before work. He loved how the guy could eat an entire pizza in one sitting and still be hungry, and not gain any weight. How Ray always wore his Twitch hoodie and Vans was another thing he loved. The fact that Ray would call out his stupid bullshit, yet would always protect or try to team up with him during Let’s plays, were all things that he loved.

If he loved all those things about Ray, he supposed that he actually did love him.

Gavin nods.

“Then call them. Apologize and tell them the truth.”

He gulps, not sure if he’s got the guts to do such a thing. “Will it work?”

The man leans down on the counter, giving Gavin a grim smile, “It might not, but you can’t give up on someone you love without a fight.”

Gavin knows he’s right.

He gets off the stool and wanders through the bar, stopping in a spot where no one’s around. With shaky fingers (was it nerves or the drinks?), he manages to unlock his phone and scroll through his contacts, pausing at Ray’s. He sent a silent prayer to anyone listening that he wouldn’t be making things worse.

**Calling... Ray Narvaez Jr.**

Part of him hopes that it’ll go to voicemail again. That he can simply leave a message and wait for Ray to respond. 

**Ring.**

But another part of him needs to hear Ray’s voice.

**Ring.**

Gavin’s about to hang up when the dial clicks and he hears a tired, “What?”

And now, Gavin doesn’t know what to say. He’s a mess and he’s pretty sure his words will be slurred and goddammit he remembers how much Ray hated it when he drank. 

“Hello?”

He takes the plunge.

“Ray, I need to see you. I know I’ve messed up and you hate me, but... But I need to tell you something.”

There’s a long pause. It feels like time’s slowed down, like in one of his youtube videos, and Gavin’s heart is racing.

When a familiar voice finally answers, Gavin’s stomach drops.

“I’m, uh, sorry... I think you’ve got the wrong number.”

“Ray--”

The dial tone is the next thing he hears.

**Call ended.**

Gavin stares at the phone screen for minutes. His brain spiraling out of control both from the alcohol and the realization that he pushed away the only person he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

“Bartender, I’ll have another drink please.”

\--

Geoff gets the call at two in the morning. “Who the dicks is calling at this time...?” He mumbles, Griffin turning to the other side as he turns on a light and answers. “Hello?”

“Is this Geoff Ramsey?”

“Unfortunately.”

“We’re so sorry, but this is St. David’s Medical Facility. It says here on file that you’re the emergency contact for Gavin Free?”

He immediately sits up. “Excuse me?”

“He was brought in about five minutes ago, he was found passed out on the side of the road with a blood alcohol content of .20 or so. We’re pumping his stomach now but--”

“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”


End file.
